If You Only Knew

Watching you is like watching my childhood on repeat—

a train wreck I can’t look away from,

a scratched record I can’t turn off.

It burns like gasoline down my throat

listening to you make the same non-choices,

no matter how many voices have told you otherwise.

Yet, like the Hatter,

you go mad at the simplest inconveniences

that hold the simplest solutions.

Take accountability.

Why can’t you take accountability

for the ways you’re contributing to your own suffering?

Why can’t you hear what we’re all saying?

Why does my love hurt you?

I know it does.

I see it written over your face and body

when I’m completely honest with you.

Your demeanor speaks the words

your mouth refuses to.

What hides behind those eyes of yours?

If only you knew the words I want to say,

but I don’t know what could reach you.

It’s like there’s a glass wall between us—

everything muffled—

but I still hear you loud and clear.

And I promise, there’s nothing to fear from me.

My love is pure.

Your actions pain me so,

because you and I are so close.

My heart weighs heavy where it used to sing for you.

I miss you,

even when I’m standing right beside you.

I don’t know if anything I say will ever help you.

But if one day you understand

how painful it was to hold your hand,

maybe then you’ll know

how much I’ll always love you.

My greatest joy.

My sharpest pain.

I know we’ll never be the same.

I pray you find harmony, my friend.

I pray you find yourself again.